great

i still feel nervous just standing in your space 

a push that keeps me

on the edge of my seat

when i’m with you nothing else matters

but catching up

and keeping up 

with when your eyes meet mine

stolen words are hard to speak

i know you know

it’s different now and that’s okay with me

the amount of times i’ve planned in my head

the perfect things to say

nothing escapes me the second i see your smile

it’s impossible

i’m muted by your presence

time and time again

no matter how many practice rounds i get

it still feels exactly the same

i play it off to keep it cool

friendship over forever

i hope you hope

one day it will be different

but we both know it won’t 

back to the drawing board I go 

for another year of waiting

in my head of your arms

i love you too 

just maybe in another life

don’t smoke

i’d probably be crying over you even if you were still around

it’s not that I’m happy about it

it’s a bit of a relief

honestly.

or at least that’s what I tell myself

when I choose to ignore and supplement the closure

towards the end you weren’t great to me

or to yourself anyway

it was hard seeing you spiral

to give up

just then at last to die in that state

but that wasn’t my life

but now you’ve put that back on to me

i’ve inherited your ways

your clever, selfish, conniving, self deprecating ways

and now I’m stuck struggling to push past it

and to be better

i won’t. 

i’ll ruin it again and again

only this time, it’s because of you

trenton

down the country road we go
together as we’ve done before
you’re teaching me to drive
careful, quiet, and kind
we laugh and i learn about true love
for the first time

something out in the distance catches my eye
our favorite bird to see out there
squinting for the black laced with red
a moment shared together forever
as the dust rolls behind us
a memory i can’t get out of my head

we stop to help a turtle in the middle of the road
i pick it up and move it to the next side
it’s scared but ready for the relief

of letting go

when i turn around you are gone
in the blink of an eye

just gone.

 
then world suddenly goes silent
the colors run from green to grey
the time seems to linger
and i’m fighting it
you must be somewhere around here
but now i’m in a different place

 

i’m looking over the next hill
the way we were supposed to go
a flock is resting there
all black and all waiting
the wind quietly goes backwards
and strangely up this time

like a child’s storybook land
nothing seems real anymore
everything is muted
or living behind something else
in the back of my head
i know it

you’re gone.

 
but remember you taught me
how to go on my own
how to paint my own colors
and keep going
so i will

i see it now
not too far away
it’s sitting there
careful, quiet, and kind
my red-winged blackbird

fly.

z.

while the end is near i do not dare

to reach out to you

i want you to remember me for loss

so i can find my way back in strength

resolving is ending my connection with you 

when the world washes over in white

with that matrix calming break

i will begin to take hollow steps

and as many as it takes

i will search until i find every single moment

and every single touch

that’s where i will choose to die

forever in those quick flashes of our memories

knowing that only in death is where forgiveness rests

i don’t think about you.

on certain days you linger. 

not in my head or in my thoughts. but almost like in the center of my chest. 

sometimes you sit behind that warm spot between my eyes right before i start crying.  

no matter what i tell myself to coddle my own guilt. 

“i was too young. i was surrounded by the wrong people.

i was alone. i was poor. i was abused.

i was on drugs. i didn’t know who i was.

i made mistakes and that’s okay. it’s normal.”

you keep heavy in my chest and in my crying eyes. i haven’t forgiven myself.

is that why you linger? 

sometimes i fantasize that it’s not because of my regret, but because your holding onto me too. 

at the very same exact time. a coincidence of little reminders merging into each other  

“how more selfish and self involved can you be? 

he was ruined by you. he’s moved on and he’s happy.

he can’t even remember what color eyes you have. 

you fucked up the opportunity. it’s over forever.”

but still. i can’t fight the feeling that we are still connected. in those heavy breaths, those hot tears streaming down my face. 

they feel like you. 

and maybe, in those moments and only on those moments,

i can still be with you.

choke

i have seen the stars from so many places. 

looking up is a hopeful gesture it seems.

but not here.

grasping at my fists with my head in the air. 

it’s not a head held high. it’s just tight and suffocating. 

you know that choking feeling you get when you scream in your dreams?

a muffled,

desperate attempt to make a sound. 

you can’t make anyone hear you. no matter how hard you try.

your throat is dry, the attempt is coming from somewhere. but you aren’t actually alive. or in your current state of here.  

your whole body making the effort to push up and out.

this is me trying to reach you. a million stars away now.

it’s quiet today. 

cold season

i woke up this morning in a ghost state. i was living in the memory of japan. how crisp and clean the air was. how hard it was getting out of bed with you. 

while you were holding me. you told me this culture yearns to feel each season. 

i can still feel those cold moments. a walk in the snow to a staircase temple. an early breakfast while i fumbled with a stove i did not know. 

i’m right back in that moment. this is what death must feel like. hanging so desperately on the smells of the chilled mountain air that only you can remember. 

my grief rests in losing all of my seasons of you. 

destiny this.

losing a friend or loved one, not to death
is difficult to comprehend
blame myself?
can i not just blame it on the way the universe works?
so many think of fate in terms of romance
fuck that
fate is being alone
fate is loss
fate is death
i have my whole life ahead of me...
a life full of disappointments
and regret

i wish i was that cat named hot sauce right now
curled up against what i felt was better than me
i felt life in those arms
we are all reincarnated right?
a loopty loop of survival
multiplied by how many stars there are in the sky
times that by infinity
that's what they tell me.
well, i choose to be hot sauce
there to comfort you
when the universe didn't work out in your favor
but i can't do that
because that is what is chosen
blame you?
can i not just blame it on the fact that this doesn't matter?
so many people are so snidely optimistic
fuck that
optimism is dead
optimism is dead
optimism is dead

groovy man

our journey.

if anything ever happens to me
to devastate my soul,
i will jump on a train or plane or automobile
to anywhere
and be comforted by the world.
the non-smiling, non-interactive glances of people
i have yet to know
will soothe my heart
and ground me.
to be lost finding myself is exactly what i will need
to jump start my senses of
humility.
the world is always here for me.
to keep me in the moment.
this moment.
just in case i ever feel like giving up,
i know exactly where to go.
a walk through trees i have yet to witness
down street signs that i can't read
into the open arms of humanity.
i am not the only one.
now and forever.
amen.

one.

you're not fooling anyone
with that selfish glance
and cleverly timed correspondence of
one-word-beliefs
you can't even imagine the possibilities
because you have made it so there is no longer any
one-timed-efforts
they have all been cycled and recycled
striving to remain pure
or hopeful
or whatever you call it now
you are losing a unattended battle
with your constant denial
and a consistently distracted effort at a
one-day-to-day
forward thinking rationale

but hey. just be sure to stay true to that life motto of apathy that you have there.
that's going to work out really well for you in the future.
one can only stick around for so long,
before they start to figure you out.

collection.

open me up. 

and keep me wanting nothing else

           but your heartwarming rejection.

miscommunication is key today

           just as it was yesterday.

and a couple of years ago too.

spinning circles can't even do it justice anymore.

just like that rubber band ball on your dresser.

           i am a layer on top of a layer 

of putting things to the side

or off to another day.

but i'm all bundled up now.

growing into something larger than you ever thought would come

of a simple

           ball of elastic.

so dedicated now.

unable to throw even the smallest possibilities away.

           i am now a glorified paperweight.

a decorative glorified paperweight.

held in the corner of your room until one day…

one day.

you just might need
           a lot of fucking rubber bands.

damn.

every step forward, i choose to walk alone.
making my own adventure, i plan the trail down to each degree on the compass.
there is no need for a map.
i know exactly where i will always end up.
every step forward, i am aware.

of myself.

until something stops me in my tracks.
a spot of deep blue hidden amongst the fading greens.
it's electric. it's stunning. my forward thinking fades.
pushing the branches back is harder than i think as i begin to explore the unmanned trail.
the unbeaten path fights against me. i am torn, but not willing to go back.
every step forward is a mystery, still alone.
allowing the sparkling new color to tempt me forward, no longer my own adventure.
there is a unspoken need to move deeper.

and then i finally reach it.

a blue lagoon.

it is cold and inviting. a place to rest and rehydrate just when i needed it most.
this is against my rules but i can't wait to jump in.
not taking the time to think i see that
my reflection is mirrored in the deep undertones of the cool, calm, and collected water.
i have yet to see the rocks hidden beneath.
i slowly undress, careful to keep all of my things together.
i am so weary, i think not of the depth.
i selfishly make the plunge quick and unconsciously.
relief is instantaneously. as well as the pain.
the shock of the bottom hits.
my legs fall from under me.
broken and bleeding.

i am still alone. but this time unable to move forward.

one and a two and a.

two heads, worlds apart.
a mountain once separated them but
twists of wires and flashes of screens pulls them closer and closer.
without them even knowing it.
they are living the same lives, forever connected and wandering with type and adds, clicks and springs.
two independent hearts, heartbeats apart.
a room separated them but
pixels and long range missiles forces them face to face.
with both of them knowing it.
they are keeping the same smiles, constantly trying to regain it all over one with bams and booms, strikes and tears.
and then...
a back to back glance causes them to touch,
for the first time in years.
the alarms are set, thousands of souls come in to mingle.
a finger is placed on the button
just in case.
1,006,489 followers now.
24,222,903 followers now.
74,333,000 followers now.
it starts.

stair step.

i write this to you but for myself.

i consistently lead myself to believe i am delving deep into someone else's heart with good intentions.

taking great care not to disturb the inner workings of the valves and chambers that make up a hearty existence.

but i always rip it open. no matter how slow i go. 

it routinely tears apart. time and time again, revealing you.

it's not a mendable rip either. easy to fix with a few stitches.

no.

i take the whole thing and devour it. 

i am conniving and convincing up until the very last thread is severed. i ruin the pumping mass in my own selfish struggle to find you. maybe it's engraved in here somewhere. a hidden clue to get me back to where i started. scraping and scratching, until i arrange it so, in order for me to see the hole that is you. to see through to you on the other side. 

in the beginning you were etched in,

able to make carbon copies on ample plump hearts.

over and over. 

simple and easy enough.

but now the table has become worn, 

copy after copy has only made things more heated.

now you are burnt in.

scarred in.

forever entangled, 

in the clots and arteries that is me trying to move on.

fog of love

that shiny, inconsiderate circular heartbreak.

a golden sparkling sign that says,

you fucked up.

you were selfish just a little too long.

use it to brush your bangs out of your eyes.

a diamond silhouetted missile into my future.

shoooooooo! BAM!

robert macnamera had it easy.

at least both sides had the upper hand.

i am the rogue state.

capable of making one mistake that can hurt millions,

with six degrees of separation.

shoooooooooooo. BAM!

this is an engagement ring that doesn't abide by the rules of engagement.

fixation.

i want to be obsessed with something, anything really. rather than filling my void with countless banter springing from a machine everyone and their minds own. i am given a forced set of emotions day to day. but only if i could get out.

i admire those artists that spend hours on one single dot or mark or shade. i admire those writers that fill thousands of notebooks with nothing but their own good hard thoughts, or mixed media retaining to nothing. either way, they have some kind of fire.

writing until a pencil breaks, collecting until a house is full of forget me nots. they have the desire to be remembered for something other than their soul. i hate to admit it, but i admire those over exercisers, over eaters, and over achievers. at least they do something well enough that it needs to be repeated. again and again. and for some, the benefits outweigh the negatives. i admire even the addicts. at least they are driven to stick with something.

maybe today i will dedicate myself to the masses, but again, i will just fall short.