a form of sorts.

emergency contact.

leave blank.

if i left you here, with a brick,

would you throw it back?

over the islands and the pacific waters.

and into my pretty life that i have made for myself.

medical history.

leave blank.

if i came to you, without a plan,

would you accept me?

and give me a place to lay my pretty head?

longest relationship.

leave blank.

leave really blank.

if we were together, like before,

would it be the same?

or would it be like a shattered window from a thrown brick?

defensive stance.

i am awakened

alive and fighting to remain balanced.

these stupid social norms keep spinning in my head.

"you think that you're better than everyone."

because i strive for a relationship that is slightly more

piercing than everyday day to day?

maybe.

but maybe "those people" are better than me because

they can ignore the fact they are all human.

or probably the just choose to forget.

"please don't make me apologize for asking the important

questions first and calling you out on your crossed arms."

this is all the time that i have.

if you give me a wall, i won't even attempt to climb it.

i will instead dig deep, under it, past your hidden roots

and swept away secrets.

i will tunnel through to the real you on the other side.

mr. travelin' man.

it's not so easy to fall in love,

when your suitcase is always in view.

even though the time commitment is longer than most,

you are not home here.

we are wandering this world together and apart.

something heavy and unspoken hangs over our heads

but lifts us up at the same time.

living for the moment is quite easy here.

every step forward, every clear-headed breath in.

your suitcase sits in dust from the months of it's inactive life.

but it is soon to come alive again. homeward bound.

is this scary for me? yes and no.

i live in a world of instant hellos and goodbyes.

but i wouldn't change it for anything.

nintendo.

just when i was learning about god

something stopped

and transformed into a fluent flab of fat

just when i was starting to grow

something grabbed

and took all that i had had wanted to have

just when i was opening up to love

something halted

and flew me back to a game over

start. pause. start.

shit. it froze again.

(blow into center)

(make it like new again)

just when i was starting to live

something stopped me

and started me over

at the ripe old age of 12

grump.

i got home earlier than i wanted to wake up.

the walk of shame is so much longer here.

walking. bussing. bussing. walking. walking.

a forty minute ride is nothing with an ipod.

a broken, decrepit, worthless scatter of music.

i listened to all of the sad songs today.

and watched the city of ilgok pass me by.

forty thousand people i must have passed,

in that whole forty minutes.

i saw a woman standing in the window

of the hundreds of apartments that blurred by.

but she stood out to me.

she looked sad too.

and i thought,

if my life is so strong. so important.

so meaningful. in my own mind.

just think of the millions of thoughts,

dreams, and relationships that there are.

here, in this world.

they are all so important. so meaningful.

forty million thoughts on top of forty minutes.

i got home earlier than i wanted to wake up.

but look what i would have missed.

tómame.

tómame, por favor.

porque es solamente in mis sueños que yo

finalmente recibo tu boca, tus ojos, y tu alma.

tómame, por favor.

a dentro de tu mente.

porque es solamente en mi muerte que yo

te veo por la primera vez.

después de todo.

te necesito en mi vida real,

no mas solamente en mis sueños.

por favor, tómame.

antes de morir sin ver mi amor verdad por

la primera vez.

duermo.

pero no puedo soñar sin tu alma.

translation.

take me. please.

because it's only in my dreams that i

finally receive your mouth, your eyes, and your soul.

take me. please.

inside of your mind.

because it's only in my death that i

see you for the first time.

after everything.

i need you in my real life,

no longer only in my dreams.

please. take me.

before i die without seeing my true love

for the first time.

i sleep.

but i don't want to dream without your soul.

continued.

but as she sank, her brain continued to function.

rather than believing his heart and mind,

and allow herself to fall completely.

she underestimated just how deep she would go.

she sank all the way to the bottom.

to the very bottom of the darkest deep blue ocean.

and as she opened her eyes,

all she could see was dark.

there was no light to show her the way.

there was no voice to call to her.

there was just nothing and nothing more.

she must have slipped up somewhere.

made a wrong turn or made he wrong choice,

she was still holding the anchor.

she could see her breath.

she was breathing slowly in the vastness of the

cold, dark waters.

she was breathing underwater.

but she had already drowned.

el árbol para siempre.

los pensamientos de tu son no màs entra en mi mente.

estás muerte?

o sólo en la oscuridad.

tu oscuridad o mi oscuridad?

yo no sé nada más.

su memoria se pierde.

al igual que los colores de una hoja.

verde a naranja, naranja a roja, de roja a marrón,

y marrón a blanco.

¿por qué estás solamente blanco en mi mente ahora?

¿por qué no te verde nada más?

pensé que estarías aquí para siempre.

un árbol de hoja perenne.

en el fondo de mi mente y en el frente de mi mente.

pero no más.

¿Estoy enfermo?

o solamente en la luz?

tu luz o mi luz?

yo no sé nada más.

translation.

the thoughts of you no longer come into my mind.

are you dead?

or only in the darkness?

your darkness or mine?

i don't know anymore.

your memory is fading.

much like the colors of a leaf.

green to orange, orange to red, red to brown,

and brown to white.

why are you only white in my mind now?

why are you not green anymore?

i thought that you would be here forever.

an evergreen tree.

in the back of my mind and in the front of my mind.

but no more.

am i sick?

or only in the light?

your light or mine?

i don't know anymore.

a new. a new fight.

mi corazón está cambiando.
con la vía siento.
la nieve que cayó a dentro de mi corazón antes.
ahora está cambiando a la lluvia.
mi corazón ya no es demasiado frío
pero se sigue derramando.

mi mente está cambiando.
con la vía creo.
las nublados que una vez fueron negros en mis pensamientos.
están desapareciendo a grís.
mi mente ya no es obscuro
pero el sol no está aquí ...

todavía.
todavía.

espero para el día que mi corazón es finalmente caliente.

como un primer beso.
y espero para el día que mi mente está finalmente clara.

como una luz de Dios.

es tiempo para mis gafas de sol.
y para mis paraguas ir al infierno.

translation.

my heart is changing.

with the way that i feel.

the snow that fell inside of my heart once before,

is now changing to rain.

my heart is no longer cold

but it continues to pour.

my mind is changing.

with the way that i think.

the clouds that blackened my thoughts once before,

are now disappearing to grey.

my mind is no longer dark.

but the sun is not here.

yet.

yet.

i wait for the day that my heart is finally hot,

like a first kiss.

and i wait for the day that my mind is finally clear,

like a light from God.

it's time for my sunglasses.

and for all of my umbrellas to go to hell.

water weight.

a lifetime without you, i would endure.

only to spend a moment of your time, in love again.

only to feel it one last time.

it is something that i have been waiting for, looking for, and losing for.

i had it once before.

the ocean kept my heart at bay.

instead of drifting deep into the unpredictable waves.

the same ocean, much like a strong tide that pulled me in.

ever so gently

ever so gradually

if only i could make that plunge once again.

but much like a swollen, salted jellyfish washed up on the shore.

i wait for you.

the tide.

contigo.

if i had a god i would pray

if i had peace i would be

if i had nothing i would lay

if i had love i would see

if i had money i would climb

if i had truth i would cry

if i had loss i would find

if i had dreams i would die

with you.

with you.