on certain days you linger.
not in my head or in my thoughts. but almost like in the center of my chest.
sometimes you sit behind that warm spot between my eyes right before i start crying.
no matter what i tell myself to coddle my own guilt.
“i was too young. i was surrounded by the wrong people.
i was alone. i was poor. i was abused.
i was on drugs. i didn’t know who i was.
i made mistakes and that’s okay. it’s normal.”
you keep heavy in my chest and in my crying eyes. i haven’t forgiven myself.
is that why you linger?
sometimes i fantasize that it’s not because of my regret, but because your holding onto me too.
at the very same exact time. a coincidence of little reminders merging into each other
“how more selfish and self involved can you be?
he was ruined by you. he’s moved on and he’s happy.
he can’t even remember what color eyes you have.
you fucked up the opportunity. it’s over forever.”
but still. i can’t fight the feeling that we are still connected. in those heavy breaths, those hot tears streaming down my face.
they feel like you.
and maybe, in those moments and only on those moments,
i can still be with you.
