don’t smoke

i’d probably be crying over you even if you were still around

it’s not that I’m happy about it

it’s a bit of a relief

honestly.

or at least that’s what I tell myself

when I choose to ignore and supplement the closure

towards the end you weren’t great to me

or to yourself anyway

it was hard seeing you spiral

to give up

just then at last to die in that state

but that wasn’t my life

but now you’ve put that back on to me

i’ve inherited your ways

your clever, selfish, conniving, self deprecating ways

and now I’m stuck struggling to push past it

and to be better

i won’t. 

i’ll ruin it again and again

only this time, it’s because of you

trenton

down the country road we go
together as we’ve done before
you’re teaching me to drive
careful, quiet, and kind
we laugh and i learn about true love
for the first time

something out in the distance catches my eye
our favorite bird to see out there
squinting for the black laced with red
a moment shared together forever
as the dust rolls behind us
a memory i can’t get out of my head

we stop to help a turtle in the middle of the road
i pick it up and move it to the next side
it’s scared but ready for the relief

of letting go

when i turn around you are gone
in the blink of an eye

just gone.

 
then world suddenly goes silent
the colors run from green to grey
the time seems to linger
and i’m fighting it
you must be somewhere around here
but now i’m in a different place

 

i’m looking over the next hill
the way we were supposed to go
a flock is resting there
all black and all waiting
the wind quietly goes backwards
and strangely up this time

like a child’s storybook land
nothing seems real anymore
everything is muted
or living behind something else
in the back of my head
i know it

you’re gone.

 
but remember you taught me
how to go on my own
how to paint my own colors
and keep going
so i will

i see it now
not too far away
it’s sitting there
careful, quiet, and kind
my red-winged blackbird

fly.